Fuck you, Brain Damage

Have you had enough, Brain Damage?

Because I think you’ve got it all,

there is no part of my life you haven’t fucked up for me.


You fuck up my memory,

but leave enough to remind me

how much better things were.


You hijack me at every turn,

turning simple decisions into fucking torture sessions,

beating the shit out of my mind.


I tried to get along with you, remember?

I thought we could co-exist

but you had to have everything, you selfish fuck.


You confused the hell out of me,

made me confusing to everyone else,

and then fucked up my ability to sort any of it out.


You turned me into an outsider,

just normal enough for people to forget about you,

you sick, diabolical fucker.


Introducing you to others was no help.

You fucking creeped them out,

then hid and blamed it on me.


I don’t know why I stood up for you,

saying things like, “I’m a better person now.”

That’s a lie and you fucking know it.


I try to tell myself I’ve come a long way,

but you’re always out in front,

showboating and making me look fucking pathetic.


You replaced close friends with distant admirers,

then hijacked my efforts to win them back.

You are a twisted, sadistic fucker.


And you don’t let up.

What I wouldn’t give for relief,

just for one fucking second.


Yeah, well,


Fuck you, too, Brain Damage.


About jaybrandsma

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16 Responses to Fuck you, Brain Damage

  1. Gloria says:

    Jay, I am not a “distant” admirer, and unfortunately, I don’t have any wise, witty, or profound answers to what you are expressing right now. I can say that I would hazard a guess that everyone alive has many times in their life felt like their brain was not functioning on “all cylinders” (without having a life altering accident), and can only wish they had more control over emotions, thought processes etc. we are very “finite” creatures and very dependent on our creator. May seem “trite” but very true. All of us can control some aspects of “who we are” but so many others are part of our unique DNA. Get past that “f’d” up brain and accept and celebrate the Jay we love.

    • jaybrandsma says:

      People have said the same thing about being forgetful or losing track of things, “Oh, I get that all the time and I don’t even have a head injury!” I know it’s meant to console or make me feel like I’m not so different, but the hard truth of the matter is I DO have a head injury and that makes all the difference in the world. It might manifest itself in seemingly recognizable and harmless ways, but my experience of it is exhausting, infuriating, and literally mind-numbing. I can’t get past it to that Jay that people love, because it’s part of that Jay and I’m not sure people accept and celebrate it as much they think.

  2. Sandra Veenstra says:

    I’m going out on a limb… short but thick… I have to say, I was wondering when you would post this. I can only say that you’re expressing exactly what I believe I would if I were in your situation. Is it honest? I think so. Is it real? Sure sounds like it. Is it good?…. I may not get any “yay” sayers but I think it is. (Italicize I.) You have had a lot of setbacks and losses and pain because of the head injury and being angry is a NORMAL expression. So guess what? I think you’re just getting better and better. I’ll send a few expletives up on your behave. Love you, Jay.

    • jaybrandsma says:

      I don’t want to sound ungrateful, and the mindset I’m temporarily in surely exacerbates my reaction here, but whether my expression is normal or not is of no consequence to me, really. I know I’m getting better and better, that was never in question, but that does not mean things have gotten easier. Adjusting to and accommodating difficulties in one area only reveals harder and more complex difficulties elsewhere, nevermind the relational trauma I’m processing as well. I don’t mean to sound like an ass, but right now my life is hard. Generally, I’m up to the task, but other times I blog like this.

  3. Annette De Boer says:

    Hey Jay.

    You are an amazing writer and this piece reflects and reminds me of that.

    Thanks for sharing your authentic experiences and feelings.

    You are one of the most courageous people I know. I don’t say that lightly. This piece sheds light on your depth and grit.

    Keep writing.

  4. fixingoureyes says:

    Hey Brother, I can’t say that I understand, because I don’t, or that you need to go and get over this, because you don’t. All I can say is I love you man, I have been extremely blessed by hanging out with you over the past school year, and I’m always down to get deep and talk shit out over a beer.

  5. jaybrandsma says:

    Thanks, man. It’s been a mutual blessing, for sure, and I’ve enjoyed hanging out too. My digits are on my FB page, keep in touch over the summer. Thanks again, dude.

  6. Jessica says:

    Thank you for expressing yourself this way. My own brain gives me inability to express such things the way they are on my own, so the existence of these words in which I strongly emphasize, I really appreciate. That feeling of : yes, yes yes yes exactly, yes.

    I found this when I was upset, and typed into google : fuck you, brain.

    • jaybrandsma says:

      Thank you for your comment, Jessica. It’s greatly encouraging to read from someone who identifies with what I’ve written, and that some level of solidarity was created as a result. I’m glad to know your Google search yielded something helpful ;)

    • Jules says:

      I found it with the same search. My forgetfulness and inability to quickly weigh decisions well is not “cute”. It scares the living shit out of me.

  7. braintard says:

    here i read again. fuck. so fuckin tired. going to rehab frigs with sleep. was just reading about a pycologist im ordered to see. we no more rights in canada. thought courts with judges made orders, not in nova scotis. havent blogged n awhile, have still plenty reading herr to go. enoy the warmth of our summer.

    • jaybrandsma says:

      Hey man, glad to hear you are still getting some benefit from this blog. I went to a psychologist shortly after the accident that damaged by brain, and it sucked. The problem was just that I wasn’t in a place to begin that process. Some time later, I arranged to see a psychologist who specialized in those with head injuries, and it proved to be a very big help. Thanks again for reading, good luck with your blog, and have a good summer.

  8. John M. says:

    Great piece, dude! Stumbled upon it on Google. I’m a stroke victim myself. Fuck brain damage.
    We can’t do much about it – but luckily can’t do much about time passing either. And in time we forget heartbreak and pain. Brain damage can’t take that gift away. It can only slow it down… Fuck brain damage.

  9. jaybrandsma says:

    That’s a good call, John. Thanks!

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